— Ronald! (@ronroninabox)August 27, 2014
I’m a woman of my word.
"There are those that might try to tell you that pizza is an unhealthy dining option, that it is "junk" food. These people could not possibly be more wrong.
"You may remember me from such food-related documentaries as, "Candy: Not Just for Babies Anymore" and "Spam: The Other Other White Meat." I’m here today to tell you that pizza is not only a good choice, it’s the best possible choice for any meal." Troy walks across the sound stage, donning a white lab coat and entering a laboratory set. A chart of the deprecated food pyramid rests on an easel here.
"Pizza is one of the few foods that can include every food group in a single serving. The crust is a grain, tomatoes are a fruit, and cheese is a dairy. Add toppings, and you could see representatives of the vegetable group (mushroom, onion and bell pepper are common choices here) and the protein group (pepperoni, sausage, bacon, etc.) added in to the mix. The sweets section is not neglected either - why, take a dessert pizza, for instance, or the famous Pizookie®.
"These food groups come together to form a meal that is nutritious, efficient, and darn tasty to boot!"
Stepping into the shot, a young boy in a baseball cap pulls on the hem of Mr. McClure’s lab coat.
"But Mr. McClure!"
"Yes, little Timmy?"
"My mommy says pizza is fattening and bad for me."
Troy chuckles genially, patting the boy’s head. “Ha ha! Oh, son. Your mother is as wrong as she is stupid. While some pizzas might not be the most nutritious, a properly assembled and lovingly crafted pizza made by your local pizza artisans is nothing to fear. Why, if they use fresh and local ingredients, you’re even supporting the local economy and organic stuff. Or something. Whatever, who even knows what those hippies like these days anyways.”
Troy walks further into the laboratory set, passing scientists holding different kinds of pizza, beakers, and other clearly very technical things.
He continues, “Pizza is appropriate for every meal of the day. Why, they’ve even put pizza on a bagel, so that you can eat pizza any time. What will food scientists think of next? Here at the Pizza Sciences Institute, our food scientists are working 24/7 to come up with ways to make pizza even better. We’ve sent pizza into space, crafted pizza beer, we’ve even put it on a stick. There’s nothing we won’t try to bring pizza to every person on planet Earth for every meal of every single day.”
Troy pauses, regarding a doctor who is studying something in a microscope. The doctor turns and works on something that is not visible to our eye with a scalpel.
"How’s it going with the intravenous pizza, Dr. Monroe?" Troy asks.
"Slowly, Troy. We’ll shrink these slices down small enough eventually, then suspend them in a liquid pizza solution."
"Boy, I can’t wait for that taste sensation." Troy McClure licks his lips and affirms this sentiment with an, "Mmm-mmm!"
Timmy tugs once more on Troy’s lab coat. “Mr. McClure?”
"What is it, Little Timmy?"
The child fidgets, shy, a toe drawing circles on the floor and his eyes lowered. “What if I don’t want pizza for every meal of every day? I also like spaghetti.”
Troy crouches down, placing his hands on the child’s shoulders.
"Don’t you ever say that, Timmy. Not ever. Pizza is the best food. Pizza is the only food now. Everything is pizza. Do not forget this." He shakes the child once, firmly. "Do. Not. Forget this." He punctuates his point by sticking his index finger into the child’s sternum. Timmy winces in pain and looks to be on the verge of tears.
"Y…yes, Mr. McClure. I love pizza. We…we all love pizza now."
Do you always generalize millions of people and act like a moronic dick curd?
<3 <3 <3